Essential Reading - Smile

Disclaimer: This is an Archived Post: It was original written and published in 2015

Smile

Hey there! As many of you know, I love writing. And some even say I'm fairly good at it. Be it pieces of opinion, problems, gaming rants or smut. I just find the motivation to actually write. The thoughts are there, and so is my need to voice those thoughts. But as a written text? Do people really care enough about my written content to read a wall of text? Especially if it's just about my regular day to day thoughts? If you actually enjoy my written stuff, please tell me, and poke me to produce more, else I'll never find the right motivation.

Why do I care so much, instead of actually writing down shit? I don't know. I love to reflect you know, try to learn from everything I do and feel. But I also constantly doubt myself. Which brings me to the actual topic of this story. My way of thinking, my anxiety and how I deal with it.

I think I suffer from anxiety. I'm not sure, because never has a therapist diagnosed me with such a mental disorder. It's the information I gathered on the internet that leads me to believe that I have anxiety, and you know how it is with internet self-diagnoses. But let me explain it this way.

I over think everything. The actions of other people, their way of behaving towards me, my own actions and especially my own feelings. Are people behaving unfriendly towards me? How do they look at me? Often times, I also fear of not passing as a woman. It's a form of paranoia that may never go away. If you ever experienced being looked at like a gorilla in a zoo, while simultaneously being a teenager, such a fear burns itself into your soul. But even next to my passing, I really kinda care what people think about me. “Ignore how strangers feel about you, find your own happiness” is what they always say on the internet. But that just not works for me. Sure, I have to just take it, and live with the fact that some people just don't like me. Still, you soak it up into a bubble of sadness, and sometimes this bubble just bursts and you can't leave the house for at least a week. So I'm always thinking about everything and everyone, which however is still a selective fear. I can be Darkwing Dyke the Flannel Avenger and don't give a fuck what people think, but then I always wear long unisex cut T-Shirts because they hide my fat belly.

But everyone has those fears in one way or another. I can only speak for myself however. The more unhappiness, stress and anger is thrown at me, the more I absorb it like the warmth of oven, and then reflect it back at others. Which I don't like. I don't want to harm others, quite the opposite. I want to help people, make them feel happy. Because I know how it feels to be sad, scared and alone. So I wanna be good, I wanna help.

But what can I do? Donate money to charity? Well, I never have enough money, because I usually spend it all. Seriously, I'm horrible with money. And even if I'd donate, it would go towards charities that support LGBT causes like anti-suicide projects for queer youth and trans people. That is just where my heart is. So what else to do? Well, I call myself a queer activist and transfeminist, so I can do something in that direction. What else? Well, I can work on the little things, the every-days, the social thing. I smile. I smile for the same reason I like to bow before people.

The act of bowing is usually found in Asian cultures, usually a symbol of honor and respect. But the act of bowing is in itself a submissive gesture. You bow down, pull your head down, often to a point where you cannot see the other person's face anymore. You are putting yourself “beneath” another person. Performing this gesture towards strangers is a form of respect for me. Because I respect other people. Not just the nice ones. I tend to look overly cynical to many friends, but I don't hate human beings. I love them. Enjoy their existence.

I love diversity. It's what makes this world the way it is. It's like the Earth's colors. And I love that. I love when people find their specific purpose, when they pursue their happiness, even if that happens to be eating shit and playing with tentacles. It does not matter. We can accept that others like different movies, so why not accept them for eating shit as well? Even the TERFs (Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists) I don't hate. I'm sad that they hate people like me, especially for the reasons they state as facts. Just because someone is pointing a gun at me, I don't want to point one back at them. I just want them to take that gun off my chest. Instead I will instead I try to find out why they hate me / us so much. And what I find is appalling, but I still have to take it. Work with it, try to defeat it by way of reasoning. I don't want to hurt anyone, or bring harm to people. Instead I want to like them, and I want them to feel needed, accepted and loved. I want them to feel that people regard them as valuable. It takes pressure of their hearts as well.

So I smile at them.

When I'm on the train I pull out earplugs and tell people to poke me when my music is too loud.

When they accidentally bump into me and excuse themselves I smile and say that it's fine.
When people help me, I like to thank them wholeheartedly.

I give a hand signal and smile when a car-driver let's me pass the street, eventhough he could just drive on and let me wait.

And people answer my politeness with smiles of their own. And this keeps them at a happy mood.

Have you ever found a euro / pound / dollar just lying there on the street, picked it up and suddenly felt like this was your lucky day? It's kind of like that. It's the little things.

We always want to others to treat us with respect, but often they don't, so we don't respect them either. If we really believe in humanity and trust them to learn, then we have to actually start showing them out sympathy. No matter how they look, talk or where they are from. Even the people you dislike might surprise you, so always keep an open mind about others. To quote my teacher at school “Allow yourself to wonder.”. Put down your prejudices for a moment, and just watch. I guarantee you, there is something you enjoy in everyone. Especially when they deal with conflict, but I will talk about that topic another time.

You know what is better than having pizza? Sharing that pizza with someone and smile together.

Maybe I think that way, because I'm inherently submissive. And I don't necessarily mean sexual submissive. I mean I generally think I'm a submissive person. Even when leading, I feel like I'm serving the people I lead. Not because I'm weak. I believe submissiveness to be a wonderful thing. The act of giving up a bit of you, to make others happier and serve society, I think that is something worth pursuing. I think this society should be inherently submissive. I believe a society to be there to ensure as much well-being and safety to as many people as possible. That is why we have health care systems, therapy and social services. We have it well in Europe in general, and Germany is particular. And I want our government and society to put their efforts into giving this good life to as many people as possible. A progressive society to me, is a society that keeps each other safe.

And we should all work towards this.

Smile. Do the little things. They will add up. It can be addictive. Humans in their count and subcultures are like millions of little fractals. Fractals of diversity. And this diversity is increased with every single day of our existence.

You want to try it out?

Next Monday, when you have to get up early and take the train or bus to work, just sit down and just watch. Not your smartphone or book, watch the other people around you. And try to find at least one thing you kinda like about everyone. Be it their hairstyle, their stature when they sit, what content they consume or how they behave towards others around them. Watch them and loose yourself in their radiant beauty. See the gem beneath it's hard shell.

We all feel unloved and ugly in a way. At least most of us. There are probably thousands of random strangers that see you in the streets and think to themselves “Wow, what a cool person.” but you don't know that. You only know about the people that hate you, because they attack or harass you. We could all be happier if we knew about the thousands of people that like us.

So the next time you see a pretty lady / guy / person on the streets, and you think to yourself “Man, that person is so pretty. But a random stranger on the streets.” just go there and tell them. You don't have to try to get their number, or flirt with them. Just tell them you think they are pretty, and you have to tell them because “Honor where it's due.”. Then go your merry way.

But don't go overboard. Don't just cat-call people, cat-calling is not nice, it's harassment. We want to treasure and respect people.

And maybe one day, a complete stranger will come and compliment you on the street.

So if you ever wonder why I seem to find interest in everything, and have a smile for weirdest of things, that is why. It's what I like about the fictional character “The Doctor” in the BBC series “Doctor Who”. The previously mentioned Doctor is not a warrior or fighter. He is like a wanderer, finding true beauty in everything. And I want to be like that too. See every place on this earth like a mark of true beauty, filled with the bravest people.

I might not enjoy watching a sport like Soccer, but feel free to tell me why you love it. Show me what infuses you with a burning passion, what brings you enjoyment, and I'm sure to be compelled. Because I can still learn. I may never enjoy watching Soccer, but if you share your passion with me, I can understand you and enjoy your happiness. And learn something new in the process.

Some guy named “Alan Kay” once said “The best way to predict the future, is to invent it.” and while I don't know who Alan Kay is, I see truth in this quote. Live the future you believe in. Reap what you sow and enjoy the fractals of diversity.

And most importantly.

Smile

Thanks for reading, Love

Khari Eventide